Congratulations to All the Participants but I Have Once Again Won the Colonoscopy Contest

I suppose, considering my age and station in life, it was inevitable that I would eventually make the transition from “guy who writes about parenting” to “guy who writes about having a colonoscopy.” Well, at long last, here we are. My recent colonoscopy was not my first “scopeo.” Because I have a mild inflammatory bowel disease, I began having semi-regular colonoscopies in my mid-thirties. There are some advantages to starting young. Namely, you’re typically decades younger than all the other patients in the gastroenterologist’s waiting room so you are treated as a bit of a novelty. During my earliest appointments, multiple staff members, patients, and casual observers commented on how youthful and vibrant I looked. This doesn’t happen quite as much anymore, but I still have the memories to look back fondly upon. Like the time the office staff gathered around and marveled as I performed a series of stretches to show off my flexibility. This particular memory is a made-up one, but I sometimes wish it were real. I’ve always treated medical appointments as a competition and colonoscopies are no exception. Because of the pandemic, I was able to forestall my colonoscopy by a couple of years, which was ideal because it gave me more time to train. Whenever my schedule allowed, I practiced guzzling liquids. You’re probably thinking this is a joke about drinking alcohol, <a href="https://humanparts.medium.com/congratulations-to-all-the-participants-but-i-have-once-again-won-the-colonoscopy-contest-fbfec69e54d4">Learn More</a>