The Real Reason People in Our Lives Stop Reaching Out
<p>Growing up, I often heard the expression “the phone works both ways” or “if they wanted to, they would”. It means that both people are responsible for maintaining a connection. It’s not on one person to keep a relationship going. The phone can make outgoing calls as easily as it can accept incoming ones.</p>
<p>But there’s a fallacy in this thinking. While both people in any relationship are equally responsible for maintaining contact, the perception of equity can result in a stalemate if one person won’t reach out because the other person is perceived to have been in contact less often. The assumption is that one person is making less effort when the reality can be so much more complex.</p>
<h1>Why This Perspective is Deeply Flawed</h1>
<p>There are times in my life when I knew friends were having a hard time, but I could not reach out. It wasn’t a matter of not wanting to be in contact. At those times, I was also trying my best to keep my head above water, and I didn’t have the time, energy, or emotional resources to deal with anyone’s problems beyond my own. Does that make me a terrible friend or a struggling human?</p>
<h2>Expectation: friends should show up no matter what</h2>
<p>The expectation that friends should always be there for us doesn’t quite track for mature relationships. In truth, sometimes our friends <em>can’t </em>be there for us, and we shouldn’t expect them to be available no matter what else is going on in their lives. There should be a little wiggle room for both people to be in crisis at the same time and a large enough support system to call on someone else when the first person we think of isn’t able to handle any more than they’re already managing.</p>
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