Time Travelling to the Republican Presidential Debate

In a worldwide exclusive, The Mad Parade has acquired the transcript of the debate via single-use access to a time machine. Could we have used it to travel back to 1889 to kill baby Hitler or to 2016 to delete to the master tapes of Baby Shark? Sure. Did we instead frivolously skip ahead a couple days to get a sneak peak at the first and largely irrelevant Republican Presidential Debate? You bet we did. BRET BAIER: Welcome to the first Republican Party presidential debate. Joining us here on stage are Florida Governor Ron DeSantis, biotech entrepreneur Vivek Ramaswamy, South Carolina Senator Tim Scott, former South Carolina Governor Nikki Haley, former New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, former Arkansas Governor Asa Hutchinson, and North Dakota Governor Doug Burgum. Despite qualifying for the debate according to the loosy-goosy rules we set up, there are a few candidates who won’t be gracing our stage tonight. Notably, former President Donald Trump made it clear earlier this week that he’d rather spend time with Tucker Carlson than be here with us. That’s just how much he hates you, I guess. Miami’s Mayor Francis Suarez also pulled out after expressing concerns about returning to Florida after this event, fearing he might be confused for an immigrant and be shipped off to Martha’s Vineyard. Former Texas congressman Will Hurd has wandered into a broom closet backstage and can’t find the door. <a href="https://medium.com/the-mad-parade/transcript-of-the-first-republican-presidential-debate-b4c923f2090b">Read More</a>