This is How An Eating Disorder Develops

<p>Looking through my childhood photo albums usually raises two emotions: sadness and longing.</p> <p>There is sadness for the little girl whose father made her run laps on hot New Mexico summer afternoons. When she threw up, he said she was lazy.</p> <p>I long to explain it&rsquo;s not her fault he&rsquo;s so angry and that her body is beautiful.</p> <p>Throughout my marriage, I, for the most part, didn&rsquo;t binge and restrict&mdash;my go-to eating disorder behavior. In college, I used to be bulimic, but after seeing blood and bloodshot eyes, I scared myself into stopping.</p> <p>I also didn&rsquo;t want my boyfriend/future husband to think something was wrong with me. Weight gain of any kind was torture. Because my ex made it clear he liked a specific type, I used strict diet and exercise programs throughout our relationship.</p> <p>I hid my insecurities around food and my body image for years.</p> <p>When a psychologist diagnosed me with anorexia nervosa, autism, and bipolar II just before the pandemic, I dismissed the eating disorder.</p> <p>Bipolar II turned out to be masked autism and unresolved cPTSD from childhood and marital trauma.</p> <p>I went on a mission to understand how my autistic brain worked and began recovery with a trauma therapist.</p> <p>I continued to ignore the eating disorder diagnosis.</p> <p>Whenever things in my marriage weren&rsquo;t going well, or my ex was upset with me, I would shame myself for being a negligent wife while I comforted myself with food.</p> <p><a href="https://medium.com/black-bear-recovery/this-is-how-an-eating-disorder-develops-caa46d76a4d1"><strong>Click Here</strong></a></p>