Relational Priming
<p><em>Wednesday, 9pm. Kids are finally asleep. I crawl over to the sofa and join my wife and zone out in front of Netflix. She then turns around to me to me and says: “I want to tell you something you might not like to hear… It’s not about you, it’s about what happened with the kids after you forgot to pack their lunches.” I take a moment to ground myself, take some deep breaths, and reposition myself across from her. I nod that I’m ready. She continues to share what happened that day. Although it wasn’t easy, I was able to hear what happened without being defensive, cut off or reactive.</em></p>
<p>In this story, my wife managed to find a way to tell an uncomfortable truth and to stay close to me. I managed to also hear her frustration and hold on to my sense of worth without collapsing or attacking. That ability to hold on to yourself and stay intimate with your partner is called “<a href="https://medium.com/the-ascent/differentiation-is-the-crucial-relationship-skill-you-need-during-the-coronavirus-pandemic-7813d7b11da3" rel="noopener">differentiation</a>”. A key component that allowed us to stay differentiated, and that many couples underappreciate, is relational priming.</p>
<p>Some couples have binary core beliefs about relationship: You are either right or wrong, a winner or loser. Such <a href="https://medium.com/thedadvault/how-to-change-your-core-beliefs-when-they-start-limiting-you-f2bc857e27ce" rel="noopener">core beliefs </a>are limiting; they lock couples into adversarial roles in which they are against each other, trying to convince the other of their own position and prove they are right. Such a combative dynamic lowers the chances that your partner can be willing, empathic, and reflective to constructive feedback. That leads to couples giving up on the hope of constructive confrontation and retreating into either apathy or surrendering to never-ending battles.</p>
<p><a href="https://medium.com/hello-love/relational-priming-c4b6d0105c49">Read More</a></p>