I give up, it’s not worth it.

After spending much of 68 years confused, questioning, hiding and attempting to find an acceptable alternative to gender transition, I gave up. It’s been hard on me, or just maybe I’ve been hard on myself. After five years of correcting hormones, several surgeries, all the drama around coming out and the nightmare process of legal name and gender change, I gave up. After uncounted hours staring in mirrors failing to find someone different in the reflection and trying something new to feel valid. After a lifetime of stammering about anything even remotely related to gender change and learning how many ways there are to change conversation topics. After all the years of practicing duplicity and fear of being honest, I simply gave up. As with all slow processes the changes have been difficult for the subject undergoing change to notice, not just the subtleties but even those with deep meaning that can redefine one’s life. This time it was seeing there was nothing left to be protected through lies or distraction. I give up. <a href="https://medium.com/@neville.orange/i-give-up-its-not-worth-it-642ec19995e0">Learn More</a>