I AM SICK! I AM NOT OKAY

I have requested a prepayment from a client who just placed his order this evening so as to use the cash take care of my expenses of tomorrow morning — cash that I had more than I needed. I would say it is pathetic but that sentiment coming from me is insincere, I do not see it like that at all. I am not in a position to condemn myself — I do not possess that inner authority at this point. Admitting that this habit has beaten me down to the rocks is boiling within me but it hasn’t reached fever pitch. There is still this hope, the maybe, this I can still hide it in plain site, this I will be lucky, I will double the stake and place and well analyzed odds of 2, this let me just win back and quit(which has never true for my case) the only time I truly quit gambling was when I lost to the point where I saw it was not acceptable for me to lose anymore, when the threshold was reached, when I could not belief in the hope that I could win anymore, when the attempts to convince myself were not appealing to me anymore. Right now I am not in my right mind, I have kind of lost it, I have become an illogical creature totally, I have gotten to a point where I ignore my rationality, I am accepting to be stupid, utter foolishness — I have lost the eyes to see it as stupidity and foolishness. I do not know what it is… <a href="https://obversealchemy.medium.com/i-am-sick-i-am-not-okay-c7ca5616e406">Website</a>