Florida Governor Ron DeSantis Goes On Crime Spree to Boost Primary Chances
<p>Residents of Florida were warned to remain indoors yesterday, as a man later identified as Governor Ron DeSantis allegedly went on a rampage through parts of the state.</p>
<p>Political insiders speculated that DeSantis may have been looking to improve his standing in the upcoming Republican primaries, where he is currently running a distant second behind former President Donald Trump.</p>
<p>Witnesses reported that a dark-haired, “extremely unpleasant’ man identifying himself as the governor commandeered a Dodge Grand Caravan in Dade County, which he allegedly drove to various locations to commit a series of criminal acts.</p>
<p>Alleged offences include attempting to force his way into Disneyland without paying while shouting “Go woke, go broke”, accosting customers in a Miami shoe store and telling them what pronouns they were required to use, and attempting to coerce a Cuban-American periodontist and his family into boarding a bus to Martha’s Vineyard.</p>
<p>When apprehended, DeSantis was reportedly setting fire to a copy of the children’s book “<em>My Two Dads and Me</em>” stolen from a local library.</p>
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