Call Me If You Have No Idea What To Bring To Colorado

Hi. I’m Stephanie, owner of JUST WHAT YOU NEED.

Whether you call yourself a skunk bear, a mountain devil, or just a plain old wolverine, I want to help move you and your family to beautiful Colorado.

As an animal translocation specialist, I’ve helped all kinds of mammals move from their high-rise luxury apartments to both sea-level ground holes and high-altitude snowpack — whichever FWS deems is a cozier fit. (They have a point. Elevator anxiety for wild animals requires a lot of Zoloft to make it work.)

I’m a professional.

Animals hire me because I know which mountain they should live on, which snowdrift they should buy, and what stuff they should pack. The best schools, the nearest hot spots. Ask Stephanie!

I hold a real estate license in all fifty states (except NYC because when I managed a relocation of goats from Weehawken to Manhattan through the Lincoln Tunnel, Port Authority slapped me with a cease-and-desist. So, I quit. Now there’s a goat problem inside the Lincoln Tunnel. Not my problem.)

I’m also a licensed Wild Beast Marriage Therapist — so useful during moves.

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Tags: Colorado