This is me, unapologetically me

Growing up in a typical Asian family, there was this expectation to achieve the best. I got used to it over time, with sibling rivalry and constant comparison are the norm. If I couldn’t achieve what they did, it was considered a failure. And even if I did achieve the same, it wasn’t seen as anything special because, well, it was just expected. You know, people always say that family is like the first school for children. I feel like I’ve been through that “schooling” big time, and it has shaped me for my entire 24 years of life. Since I was a kid, I’ve been holding back my emotions. Being vulnerable? Pfft, my parents never bothered to listen. My dad was tough, and he forced his so-called “correct” ways on us kids. And my mom? She was all about that traditional stuff, thinking my dad’s approach would keep their children in line. For my parents, the process didn’t matter; it was all about the end result. Now, after all those years, I naively believed all that mattered was being the best version of myself, ’cause that’s how I’d fit in and secure my place in this world — I totally bought into the idea that showing my real, messy, and childish self was totally unnecessary. I mean, you know how the world just adores perfection, right? Being smart or pretty? Well, that’s not my thing. But hey, I’ve got a talent — I can be the kindest person you’ll ever meet. But, here’s the twist. Somewhere in this journey of spreading sunshine, I think I’ve taken a detour. It’s not just about being kind anymore; I’ve mastered the art of bending backward to please people. I hardly complain to people, but in my mind, it’s like a never-ending babble fest up there. When people wrong me, instead of getting mad at them, I turn the blame on myself. It’s like I’m the master of making excuses for their behavior. “Oh, it’s not their fault; it’s all mine,” “This is because I’m not good enough,” or I even find myself thinking, “Why be angry about such small matters? I should be the bigger person and apologize.” It’s like I’ve got this automatic “self-blame” mode that kicks in whenever something goes wrong, all in the pursuit of being the so-called “Mother Teresa”. Wait, you’re asking if that’s the worst of me? I’ve been spilling that tea right from the beginning of this story. I’m like a blend of all the not-so-great traits out there, rolled into one hot mess. Not only am I a people pleaser, but I’ve also got this impressive talent for sabotaging myself. Oh, and let’s not forget my all-time favorite hobby — second-guessing people and overthinking stuff. Voilà, that’s me in a nutshell and that’s how I’ve been living my life for the past decade. <a href="https://medium.com/@randomlyrant/this-is-me-unapologetically-me-608d39b46955">Read More</a>