Shock of the old
<p>Iknow we are supposed to be rejecting everything we stood for last year, sloughing off our desiccated, used-up 2023 selves to emerge sparkling fresh, dewy and morally superior, but, I don’t know, seasonal self-loathing seems so … vigorous. If you are anything like me (I pray you aren’t), you feel listless, lumpen and broke. Plus, have you looked outside?</p>
<p>Before today’s <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/lostinshowbiz/2019/jan/17/victoria-beckhams-eternal-youth-stars-who-after-your-blood" rel="noopener ugc nofollow" target="_blank"><strong>vampire facials</strong></a> and <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/fashion/2022/mar/11/what-happens-if-you-put-fresh-snail-slime-on-your-face" rel="noopener ugc nofollow" target="_blank"><strong>snail-mucous moisturisers</strong></a>, there were arsenic “<a href="https://www.si.edu/object/dr-james-p-campbells-safe-arsenic-complexion-wafers%3Anmah_1339217" rel="noopener ugc nofollow" target="_blank"><strong>complexion wafer</strong></a><a href="https://www.si.edu/object/dr-james-p-campbells-safe-arsenic-complexion-wafers%3Anmah_1339217" rel="noopener ugc nofollow" target="_blank">s</a>” promising a “deliciously clear complexion”. Renaissance women used <a href="https://www.rcpe.ac.uk/heritage/deadly-nightshade-botanical-biography#:~:text=Belladonna%20means%20'beautiful%20woman'%20in,to%20name%20just%20a%20few" rel="noopener ugc nofollow" target="_blank"><strong>deadly nightshade</strong></a> to make their eyes look bigger, and <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/fashion/2023/jul/16/crumbs-and-cat-poo-revival-of-renaissance-womens-beauty-tips" rel="noopener ugc nofollow" target="_blank"><strong>cat poo to remove hair</strong></a>. One <a href="https://www.jstor.org/stable/3290598?mag=recipe-for-an-ancient-roman-glow-up&seq=4" rel="noopener ugc nofollow" target="_blank">Roman remedy</a> for blemishes involved grinding up the intestines “of a small land crocodile which feeds only on the most fragrant flowers”, which does sound like something you might now find for sale on <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2023/nov/30/gwyneth-paltrow-is-her-life-a-work-of-performance-art" rel="noopener ugc nofollow" target="_blank">Goop</a>.</p>
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